So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
