life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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