i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
