Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
