Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
