...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
