Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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