Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
