dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
