Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
