Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
