this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
