yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
