I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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