you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
