i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
