Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
