He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you had me at cake vodka
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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