Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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