What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
