i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
