I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
