sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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