I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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