How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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