Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
