I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
