after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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