Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
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She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me