I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.