ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.