Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I want her autograph on my taint
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
