You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
