remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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