"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
