saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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