When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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