I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
