Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
