Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
