NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sext me about skeletons
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
