hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
