I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
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