Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
