This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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