so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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