He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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