Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
