First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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