hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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