I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
