My sheets look like a crime scene.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
