I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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