I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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