I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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