You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
