her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Small penises have feelings too.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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