If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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