i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
