Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
