I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
