1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
