I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
