I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
