Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
