bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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