So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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