hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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